Well here we are again. In the same spot we find ourselves every year: its 45 days after the New Year. Twelve days after that adorable little asshole groundhog miraculously sees his shadow (despite the fact that it’s always cloudy) to inform us we’re in for six more weeks of winter. And we’re staring at the hearts that have seemed to take over Target like an unwelcome parasite. Yep. Your observation of pure bitterness is accurate. It’s Valentine’s Day – again. Very few people will admit to liking Valentine’s Day. Single or not, I think as a society it’s become passé to actually like this holiday that we assume was invented by Hallmark.However, fun fact, it was actually thought up by Geoffrey Chaucer and his pals when they decided to create their own mythos for the virtually unknown St. Valentine. Yeah. For some reason, no one actually knows what St. Valentine did. For all we know he punched babies and that was a saintly thing to do in the year 270.

Some people believe that this holiday was created in the Middle Ages because birds paired off into couples in mid-February. So, let’s follow that legend of the birth of Valentine’s Day. That means we’re celebrating a holiday created by plague stricken humans who thought, in the middle of winter, when rats with wings found a mate in an effort to create more rats with wings, it was a symbol of romance. Gross.

Don’t get me started on the flying baby with the Hunger Games bow and arrow.

All that being said…I still secretly wish James McAvoy will show up at my door with flowers and chocolate…with or without clothes. I’m not picky. Sadly, I think reality, and his lovely wife, may have something to say about that event coming to fruition. Therefore, I will continue with my dislike of the holiday and suggest to you some wonderful alternatives to the overpriced meal you may experience (if you happen to be in a relationship) or the completely justified consumption of an entire medium bag of pink, red, and white M&M’s (if you’re not).

1. Go to the grocery store and buy these items: Garlic, French Onion Dip, Onions, Pickles, Tuna and condoms. When checking out say, “I’m really excited for a great, romantic night.”
2. Write missed connections for your favorite movie characters and post them on Craigslist. Laugh at the inevitable responses.
3.  Buy cards for your loved ones that have nothing to do with Valentine’s Day. Examples may include “Get Well Soon,” “Happy 3rd Birthday,” “Happy Bat Mitzvah,” “Military Appreciation,” or “Happy Retirement.” Then write a heart felt message inside.
4. Make a Haunted House and open it to the public on February 14th. Rooms could include a bad break up, finding out the final cost of a wedding, or “oops! I thought we were careful.”
5. Go into Victoria’s Secret and ask what you think would be the best sexy lingerie choice if your boyfriend is a Dungeon Master.

Regardless of what you choose to do on Valentine’s Day, remember, if you’re in a relationship, love each other every day. Not just one day of the year. If you’re not, remember that you’re awesome. Being in a relationship or celebrating an inconsequential holiday isn’t going to change the greatness of you.

So, Happy Valentine’s Day! I’ll be over here eating cookie dough out of the tub.
Shannon DeVido