If I have harmed anyone in any way
either knowingly or unknowingly
through my own confusions
I ask their forgiveness.
If anyone has harmed me in any way
either knowingly or unknowingly
through their own confusions
I forgive them.
And if there is a situation
I am not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that. – Buddhist prayer
“I thought you believed in forgiveness.”
That was the comment a family member made, indirectly to me after another family member was not invited to a celebration. The details of why this particular person was not invited is unimportant. Suffice it to say, previous behaviors and actions cemented the decision.
The comment did cause me to ponder, however. What did I really believe about forgiveness? Was I somehow not living my own truth in the context of this particular event?
The truth of forgiveness is that it is not a “get out of jail free” card reminiscent of the one in the Monopoly game. Forgiveness is a personal choice. A choice to release resentment, not to excuse aberrant behavior nor to tolerate mistreatment. A conscious choice to release negative feelings for your own peace of mind. Often, it is a gift to oneself, a radical choice to free yourself from being controlled by past hurts.
Forgiving someone; however, also means that the offending party takes responsibility for their actions, and contingent upon the situation, is held accountable for them. Forgiveness does not mandate that you continue to set yourself up for mistreatment, nor does it constitute that you become a doormat for other people’s misbehavior.
It does not mean that you forget the offending incident. It does not mean that the wrongdoer’s behavior was acceptable. It certainly does not mean that you need to restore a relationship or trust the person who hurt you, particularly if it is unsafe to do so.
The beauty of the grace of forgiveness is that it is self-liberation. Holding on to negative feelings and anger can be self-destructive. The ones who may have hurt you often think their actions were justified. The anger you hold on to only hurts yourself.
There is a wisdom to forgiving. Becoming free from past harm combines compassion for oneself and others with wisdom. It is not the condoning of abuse, or placing oneself back in danger, but the release of negative emotions while maintaining healthy boundaries. It simply does not necessarily mean reconciliation.
Truly, there are situations where it is healthier not to forgive, depending on the severity of the incident. Giving yourself permission not to forgive can also be deeply empowering and healing.
Releasing past hurts and resentment can diminish stress and anxiety. The act of forgiveness, under the right circumstances, can be a gift to yourself.
Still, it doesn’t mean that you need to be around the people who have created the need for it.
That family member is still not invited to the party.
