Spin Your Story : An Unexpected Love

Guest post by Dyan Whyte.

image by Dyan Whyte
I remember lots of things and there are also lots of things that I simply don’t remember. One thing I do remember – quite clearly from my little girl days is my mother’s constant instruction on expressing my feelings. “You shouldn’t keep your feelings bottled up you know, just express them. How will people know what you’re feeling if you keep it all inside?” Her nine-year-old daughter would dutifully say, “Yes mommy,” while keeping her own ideas quietly to herself. I was just not the ‘express your feelings type’, furthermore they were my feelings and I could keep them if I wanted to, so there.When faced with strong emotions I would maintain my calm façade and withdraw to ponder or think it over usually concluding that there were just too many important things and people that needed my help or attention instead of some diatribe about how I felt. The truth was that I was and have always been a deeply sensitive person, too easily hurt at times and so as you can imagine my weeks were filled with lots of ‘pondering time’. I was yet to see that strong emotions could be expressed in safe ways that didn’t involve dramatic tirades, which by the way, was exactly what happened when all those emotions got bottled up for too long!After my marriage ended I opted for the ultimate ‘pondering time’  – I moved to another country, by myself, in the middle of winter. My mother gave me the ‘express your feelings’ speech, my sister said, “It could be fun,” my father was reluctant. I was focused. I wanted to move on, to study art and not think about losing the person who had also been my best friend. Never mind winter and snow that I had never seen before, never mind being away from my family for the first time in my life, I wanted to create and be an artist.  No room for messy feelings there – ironic yes?So I threw myself into art, six days a week morning until night, I logged serious studio hours with the masters. But my heart had other plans. Busy as I kept, she continually ached for my attention, for me to acknowledge something she wanted to say.  Instead I devoted hours to spiritual understanding and incessant psychoanalysis and examination. In my mind I went to every deep, dark corner of my Self, re-visiting every childhood issue, every past pain – except the one at hand. Friends would gently try to point out that perhaps I was just sad about the divorce. I rejected this as being impossible. I would also remind them that I was the one who had decided to leave so why would I be sad about that? The truth here is that I was so afraid to let my heart break because I didn’t know if it would ever be whole again.My heart’s pain showed up in other ways – unconsciously choosing uncomfortable places to live, not feeling creatively authentic, not committing to anything because I felt afraid to make a mistake. The only true haven was drawing or painting and when I began my illustrated journal, things shifted. After all the reading, digging and introspection simply drawing my feelings helped me. On those pages Creator and my Higher Self would come through, reminding me that I was loved and safe, encouraging me to listen to my heart.So one petal at a time, I let my heart unfold and what I found there was the same romantic soul who always believed in love, in connectedness. I discovered that those beliefs were questioned by the immense amount of grief and guilt that I had been holding in said heart.I had believed that I shouldn’t be sad because I had left, because it was a peaceful separation in which we both felt that this was what was best for me. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks – there were nights of tears and angry fits at the Universe, days when my heart ached so much I couldn’t speak. But my heart began to smile again. She was being heard and her belief in love could bloom again.An amazing thing happened as I allowed my heart to speak her truth: I experienced compassion for my self and for others. I truly understood what it meant to want to feel better so desperately, to want to change but at the same time be so lost and completely clueless as to what to do to make things right. My prayers also began to change and I met Creator. Not the punishing God I had been forced to acknowledge in the past but a gentle, loving, expansive presence that was everywhere, that constantly reached out to love me and express Herself through me.That Love healed my heart, remade my guilt and grief into compassion and peace. That Love brought me hope again and gave me purpose.  Guilt and grief are so painful for the heart, they invite punishment because we lose sight of our innocence and humanity or the fact that we are allowed to mourn our loses no matter how great or small and that there will always be something brought to us anew simply because Creator is always creating, filling voids making the light bigger and brighter starting with our hearts. In this unexpected Love I found the truth that runs deepest for me – the wholeness and resilience of the heart and the gentle healing power of Love.

Dyan is an Author, Artist and Angel Therapy Practitioner®. She is the creator of alovelieheart where she writes about love, creativity and beauty. Visit her website at www.alovelieheart.com

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