“The key to change is to let go of fear” – Roseanne Cash

During a car ride in which we were talking about her birthday and growing up, my newly-turned-five year old told me that the world changes all the time, nothing is ever the same. She’s wise beyond her years. More so than her mama. Change has never come easy for me. I desperately try to cling to the notion that I have control over my life. But life changes. And there are ever so many interruptions to our plans.

“Let’s just say there were a great many interruptions in a very short time” – Guy Verhofstadt

I’m currently on a self-identity reshaping journey, and one which started in late 2011. At the time I identified myself as a struggling PhD student and professor, in addition to as a mother to a pre-schooler and wife to a husband whose work sent him on assignments all over the country. I pushed myself to the brink of exhaustion, but I was satisfied. This hard work would take me to my goal, something I was meant to do. Since very early in my school life, I carried the label and the academic rewards of “an intellectual.” It was assumed I would do great things academically. And there I was working on research I believed in, making strides and getting notches on my belt. It was tiring, but it’s where I should be.

The transformation began when I found out that against some very strong odds I was pregnant with my second child. This was not in the plans and it triggered a violent reaction that surprises me still. I went to a dark place, full of anger and frustration and lashed out at my husband, friends, and family. It didn’t help that the pregnancy added to the exhaustion. Throughout the entire pregnancy my husband was still away working on various assignments, and I did my best with my research while taking care of the house, teaching, and caring for my oldest daughter.

Then, chaos. My youngest daughter was born in August of 2012, and I stopped teaching. Shortly thereafter, my husband received a job offer across the country, one in which he wouldn’t have to travel. We took it. But that meant leaving behind my PhD and staying home with my children. This last part was a complex, unexpected side of the move and it threw me into a panicked daze. I know many would love to have this option and I am fortunate for the opportunity. But it had never occurred to me that I would stay be in this position. It wasn’t in the plans. Ever. I had no idea what do and where to go. I had become an unwilling stay at home mother to an unplanned baby, with my academic career dreams left along the way. I was angry at everything and everyone, but most of all at myself.

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans” – Woody Allen

One winter morning, the pastor at our church delivered a message that went straight to my heart. What if her birth had not been an obstacle or a challenge? What if it had been an interruption meant to show me I was in the wrong path? Some old dreams, older than I could remember whispered in my subconscious. I had been drawing and painting since a child, but had only let very few see it for fear of rejection. Now, with the ashes of my old identity thrown back at me, I began to imagine a new me. I regained my agency and choice, carving new possibilities in my mind. I gave myself permission to grieve my academic dreams but also to fail, because my fear of failure was a big rock in my path to growth. I began to negotiate my artist identity with myself.

Now I work during naps, after bedtime, anytime my girls don’t need me. I’m painting more and better than I have in a long time. I’m also focusing all my energy on growing as a mother as well as an artist. I opened a business focused on creating art that encourages playful interaction between children and their caregivers. My new vision is art meets playtime. Being at home with my girls showed me how much fun I was missing when we had less time to play together. I began to wonder if busy parents, grandparents, and caregivers may not benefit from simple ideas to spark everyone’s creative fires. My academic work was in the field of education, and the early school years had always interested me. Now here’s my chance to take some of what I’ve studied and use it to encourage playfulness and learning through art. The business is still in its infancy, a baby growing alongside my real baby. But it truly grew out of kindness and acceptance for myself and the path my life had unwillingly taken.

Sometimes signs come in the form of interruptions to the work you think you should be doing, if you’re only willing to listen.

Iluska is an artist and illustrator who sees art as a perfect medium for playful interactions with children. She works under the name of Mrs Ricefield, a play on the meaning of her last name’s Kanji characters (her husband is Japanese). Under Mrs Ricefield, she aims to create opportunities for kids and caretakers to spend time together playing and interacting, as well as materials for independent play that can be integrated or brought into “playing together” moments. She believes sometimes it’s difficult to enter the child’s world and allow play and imagination to flow unbounded. We have to unlearn the limits we’ve placed on ourselves and the world. She also believes we all gain by being creative with our children and allowing their experiences to expand beyond the possible even if only in the safety of our company. You can find Iluska in her Etsy shop and her website Mrs Ricefield, where she shares ideas for playful interaction, as well as news and art she’s working on. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.