It finally got to the point where it just felt like I was banging my head against a wall and you know what? There is nothing appealing about continuing to live life like that.

So I gave up. It felt horrible. But in that, I found a freedom to play around with ideas, to try things, to give myself a break.

In that, I rediscovered a passion for yoga and started pursuing my yoga certification. I never would have had the time or energy to do that if I hadn’t given up on another course in life. And I find that life (and my intuition) is giving me all these clues that I’m on the
right path.

Thank god I failed at something else right?

“Oh, this coffee is so bad,” I said.

“This coffee is particularly bad.” He said.

We talked about the nature of our realities, the purpose of our existence and the aspects of our relationship that we appreciate.

We talked about Jung.

We talked about New York and the job he was leaving and the life he thought he might have.

We talked about Sarah, his girlfriend, who inspires both of us.

Our relationship had evolved into something different. I’m still his mom, but we are also friends, kindred spirits, and colleagues.

Parents and children often experience each other in conflict. We grow through these experiences, but they are unpleasant, sometimes even brutal. I feel so lucky to have a different relationship with my kids. I feel blessed that we can be safe harbors for one another. 

Fast forward to a month ago, when I found myself spending a week in a beautiful beach house along the Oregon Coast at Liz Lamoreux’s Pen & Paper Retreat. My housemates? A group of women feeling the same way. We opened up to each other about our struggles and our dreams, many of which were similar. We laughed. We cried. We became a tribe. My life became complete.

I am still undergoing this process, and I have not recovered yet. I don’t know if and when I will recover, I hope I will. In the meantime, I plan to continue living slow and listening to myself. It makes all the difference.

The second experience was the creation of The Receiving Project. For years I had been setting the intention to receive gifts from The Universe. The idea to make it a project that involved others came rather suddenly one day. I figured that I could beg a few friends to play along. I put the word out and within a few days 60 people signed up! It quickly grew from there. That experience set the tone for my entire year and has morphed into a new career! Pretty damn awesome!

For years I carried with me a younger, wounded version of myself. A little girl with lots of questions. “Why didn’t anyone protect me?” or “Wasn’t I lovable enough?”

I thought someday I’d grow out of it. After all, wasn’t time supposed to heal all wounds? That day never came. Perhaps instead of healing, time just gives us space to develop better coping mechanisms.

So about a year ago I made the choice to use my skills and training to reframe the situation. For days, weeks and months, instead of asking “why,” I firmly replaced the question with, “She did the best she could.”

As time passed, I felt my heart begin to soften. I soon realized, she too suffered a difficult childhood. No one ever taught her how to be the mom I wanted her to be. I forgave her. And that little girl finally stopped asking “why.”