Me, Myself and I

Me, yourself and I, becoming my “You.”

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is let yourself be you and be yourself.

This can often be an intrepid path – finding a way of being yourself and more importantly, loving and being at peace with that.

In our life’s journey we can go in search of being ourselves or as some say: “find ourselves.” For me I did not have to go and find myself. I was always there; I just had to learn how to be myself and that I was enough. Personally, I lost this connection with myself. I remained disconnected, lacked self and was disjointed for many years.

As a young girl I loved playing Barbie all day long, reading golden books, playing dolls, pretend horseback riding on a chair with wool for reins. Overall, simply good old-fashioned make-believe play. As I got older, I just wanted to stay in this zone; but age and life govern this in other ways. I lost truly knowing myself because I still wanted to be in that imaginary, wonderful world I had created and loved so dearly. I guess I just did not want to grow up.

As I entered my teen years, removal from within myself began to form. Then the inner critic developed which disallowed me to be me. I had no real knowledge of who I was without a real centering piece of myself. This could have been normal teen transforming, but at the time I could not process it. I was just lost, not externally but within.

In hindsight, I was always there with myself just waiting to be me again. It was an exercise I needed to work on and personally develop so that I could again be considerate enough to myself to be myself. It’s enough to just be yourself.

It can be quite unexplainable why, to what point, and even when we stop letting ourselves be enough; but at some point, I did. This was when my eating disorder took its place within me and filled that space. I lost the “I” to my “You.” I was disconnected from myself which led to tumultuous years of personal struggle. I was comfortable with letting it be my excuse for having no true me.

While in treatment I saw a glimpse of myself again, the me who I knew as a young girl and there was a reassurance that resonated with me. This started a connection back to myself. I vividly remember a time at the clinic when I looked in the mirror and saw the me who I wanted to be again. From there I started my journey back to myself and, most importantly, believing I was enough just to be me.

I spent years finding how to get the fit to work again for the greater good of myself. I needed to reprogram my brain, rework my mind’s map and navigate a way back to being me, but in a forward moving motion. I struggled a little to let it just be, because I had lost that essence of self. I unconsciously believed in myself; although at the time I wouldn’t admit to it. I kept going, trying to be me and to become a peaceful centered being. I was working toward believing I was enough, which led me to see value within myself. This opened my mind to learning to let go of what did not serve me to be the best I could be, and to think clearly and balance my mind.

At this stage of being me, a reconnection was forming once again. I came to the self-realization that to truly be myself, I needed to find the “You” in me. The “You” that I needed to address and communicate with to graduate to the next level of reconnection. I had to incorporate self-kindness and assurance, to the center of my being, that I had the embodiment to know I was me. There was a part of me that knew this and enabled the understanding of the whole me. From then on, I saw myself as the “I” which made me. I was kind enough to myself to be me, let myself be enough and to, most importantly, just be.

For me this was the next level of my recovery and my journey. I was kind in thoughts and manners to myself and held the sense of self. I took my thoughts and feelings as my own and took care and accountability for them. I chose wisely from the side I knew was positive and learned to wrangle the side that I knew was just being pesky.

In taking the time to do this, I was able to recognize these points and integrate them into my life. Over time I started to like myself and who I was for all I was. This helped shift and lead my path to the right side of my road. Self-awareness and consciousness guided the way with understanding. Respect for my subconscious mind gave me the push I needed to trust in myself. It was essential to be proud of who I was and to accept this – giving myself the kind chance I needed to be me. I knew I could be me, myself, I and the “You” to the me.

Heidi Fabian Lee
Heidi Fabian-Lee is a mental health advocate, helping people understand, recognize and walk their mind's map with worthiness, peace and purpose. She has a true personal understanding of what it means to be kind to yourself with mental well-being. After overcoming her own eating disorder 23 years ago, she knows first hand what it's like to work through a mental disorder. From her own experience and recovery, Heidi is passionate to assist and shed her light on eating disorders and mental illness. She is hearing a calling to work with people on a holistic level of connecting with oneself to understand and navigate the mind through relatable connections of self-worth, kindness and self-understanding. As an artist, Heidi has always believed art can help show us our way and guide, even enlighten our path. She can often be found cooking, creating teas in her apothecary, feeding the birds, tinkering in her garden, rescuing plants, laughing with her cat and enjoying life with her 3 beautiful children.

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