Losing Sight but Gaining Clarity — Finding My Purpose from Loss

Post by Amanda Moore for the Kindness in Business series.

print by LoriPortka on etsy

Losing Sight but Gaining Clarity — Finding My Purpose from Loss

“I doubt you will ever have children naturally,” echoed in my ears.

I sat in the caramel colored office chair, heart pounding, and palms sweaty. My eyes wide with shock and a smug grin on my face, I began to feel the walls slowly start to come in on me.

My breathing shallow, head spinning, and sweaty hands clasped tightly in my lap like little weights as if they held all the power to hold me down and resist the urge to leap out of my chair, wrapping my tiny fingers around his throat, preventing any more of his ugly truth from escaping his lips.

I sat and stared, gazing just beyond his shoulder at the picture of his perfect towhead children in matching white polo shirts and plaid shorts in a family picture on his desk, I sunk further into my chair, the reality sinking in that I may never have my own photograph sitting on my desk at home.

If I made eye contact I knew it would be over. I knew the flood gates would open and I’d never regain composer again so I stared and thought about how perfect his blonde hair was, how his cowlick forced tiny pale yellow curls to fall just above his left brow.

I thought about how it matched his children’s perfectly.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.”

Joseph Campbell
The quote above has become somewhat of a mantra in my life and a constant reminder that we have little control over what happens. Sure we get to make decisions that will affect our lives in either a positive or negative way, however, we have no idea what will happen in between those choices that could dramatically alter the direction of your life.

In October of 2012 I was told I had little chance of conceiving children naturally and that IVF could be a hit or miss as well. For most women it’s only a 70% chance but for someone who has had my history, our shot was much lower.

As someone who’s lifelong dream was to be a stay-at-home mom having someone seal a fate that didn’t resemble the one you dreamed of leaves you feeling split right open. It felt like a million little daggers were being bludgeoned into my heart.

What followed was a downward spiral of days and weeks filled with tears and tantrums, longing and despair. It was the death of a dream.

What was I supposed to do now?

I spent the better part of November and December numb and depleted. I had few tears left to cry and questioned why I was even here to begin with. What was my purpose if it wasn’t to be a mom?

I was left in a dark place trying to find meaning in something that seemed so unfair.

I prayed and meditated and meditated and prayed some more and then on a cool morning in late December, right before Christmas, I had a moment of clarity.

I realized I had two choices; one, to continue down the rabbit hole of self-pity and sadness or to look at this as an opportunity to finally ask myself some important questions.

As much as I believe I was born to be a mom I have little control over whether or not that is in the hand that was dealt for me. Yes, it is true that we can adopt or go down the road of fertility treatment but that doesn’t negate the fact that I may never be able to actually conceive life.

In my quests to understand I began taking a deeper look at what kind of mark I wanted to leave on the world. Who was I if I wasn’t going to be a mother?

I realized that I have gifts that needed to be shared with the world and that quite possibly, if I went down the path that I had always dreamed of, becoming a mother, I may never have the opportunity to touch other’s lives the way I do now.

It’s true that life hands us things that may not make sense at the time but it’s always our choice to find meaning and persevere.

If I hadn’t gone through what I did last fall I would have never taken the leap of faith and gone back to school or started my business. I would have never connected on a deeper level with the other dreams I had for myself that fell to the wayside of my dream of being a mother.

I now get to work with amazing and courageous women who humble me every day.

I wouldn’t be here today writing this for whoever needs to hear these exact words.

We all have the opportunity to make a choice; to look at life a little bit differently, maybe with a softer and kinder heart.

More importantly, we all have the opportunity to build our best lives.

Who knows if children are in my future but I’m no longer sitting around waiting for that to happen. Instead, I’m lending my nurturing ways to the hearts of others in the hopes that I can help them find their way out of their darkness and into the light of new dreams.

Amanda is a health + life coach, writer, and yoga teacher on a mission to change the way women view their bodies, lives and their relationship with food. Ultimately, it is her biggest goal to help women realized they have all the power to build their best lives. Amanda’s debut program, Release + Remove + Rebuild – A Permission Slip to Build Your Best Life begins November 6th. This is 10 incredible days dedicated to cleansing your mind, body and soul and letting go of our ties to emotional eating and fear. To learn more click here. You can find Amanda at The Savoury Soul, where she shares her passion for self-love, self-exploration, vegan cooking and lifestyle and living a glowing, radiant life, inside and out. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram (amandamoore6)


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