Knock, knock. Universe calling.

Post by Laura Summers for the Love for Love series.

image courtesy of deviantART.com

When the Universe comes knocking it’s generally bringing you a one of two things: 1) a gentle epiphany; or 2) a big giant slap in the face. I’ve experienced both, but when it comes to learning things, I generally require the more forceful approach.

Ass-kicking by the Universe commence.

The hardest part of owning this story has been acknowledging my unhealthy behavior. Realizing that I was a pretty girl somehow, in my mind, made it permissible for me to say and do some PRETTY UGLY things. As much as I have avoided acknowledging it in the past, I no longer want to be bound by my own chains. Excusing my poor decisions and lack of judgment has stopped serving me [if it ever did].

Here’s the truth.

I have lied and cheated. I have been unfaithful as a partner and untrustworthy as a friend. I’ve abused my position as a strong woman to manipulate men who loved me. Importantly, I have heretofore not completely understood the significance of my conduct.

The fear of uttering these three sentences has immobilized me for the better part of my adult life. Even now, I struggle to find myself in those words. The woman I believe myself to be does not appear in those three lines of text. Extricating myself from the briar patch has proven a task long overdue.

In all of my relationships (marriage included), I’ve cloaked myself in self-protection at all costs. Betting on myself knowing the odds were with the strong, I’ve made it my own game of Survivor. I’ve not trusted others, stemming from my own lack of trustworthiness. When it comes to the game of Hurt or Get Hurt, I’m the first to strike – and I strike hard and fast. I have ninja reflexes. I can cut deep and get out before the blood even gets on me. I’m never injured by these encounters with love…or, at least that’s what I’ve told myself.

Of course, that story has only worked to help me build my façade of Strong (scared), Confident (careless), Independent (insecure), and Unyielding (ungrateful). As is the nature of any façade, they require maintenance, general upkeep, and repair. As the building gets older, it becomes a question of whether or not the upkeep of the exterior is cost effective. Sometimes, it’s better to scrap it and start over.

Stay tuned next week: Sledge hammer to the heart.

Missed last week? Don’t fret! Just CLICK HERE to read Part 1 of Laura’s journey.

Laura, recently an empty nester, adopted a rescue dog. As he sits on her keyboard, slobbering her with love and attention, even as she tries to write it’s still very obvious who rescued whom. Open to all the forms of love the Universe has to offer is now her special addiction.

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