I am going to admit something to you. I watched an excessive number of Hallmark Channel Christmas movies this holiday season. By excessive number, I mean all of them. I’m pretty positive I saw every single one. You’re probably wondering, “Shannon, are they well written, thought provoking movies that an intelligent woman like yourself could appreciate?” Uh no. They’re terribly written and often mind numbingly ridiculous.As I type this to all of you I am still trying to work out the reasoning behind my incessant watching of these greeting card movie creations. I’ve decided that it was probably a combination of being without a car for a month, my love of anything Christmas, and the car crash phenomenon (the idea that even though you know it’s bad, you can’t look away).

Now, I don’t mean to crap all over these little pieces of television cinema. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that maybe instead of being so cynical I should look at them for their true intent – a guide to find love. Since, as a society, we’re all in this quest to find a meaningful relationship, I would like to pass along my findings to you. Here it goes!

1. Two weeks into your perfect relationship, assume that you will find out your boyfriend is actually Santa, Santa’s Elf, or some iteration of a person from the North Pole. At least five of the movies centered around the main character falling in love with a member of the North Pole or having that person help her find love. So clearly, the guy on Tinder with the Santa hat and no shirt is actually Santa. Swipe right, ladies.
2. You will find love if you get fired from a high power job in “the city,” move to a country town, and meet the down home perfect jack of all trades wonderful family man. So many of these movies revolved around a woman who spent her entire life focused on her career and, assuming she was getting a promotion, gets fired instead, in turn forcing her to take a job in a small town. Sure, you may not have a corner office in a big city or don’t own a power suit, but you can’t let that stop you. Because, according to Hallmark, this perfect man – an incredibly hot guy who is really good to his family, fixes everything for free at the local hotel, loves animals, and happens to have a lot of money – is right in front of you. So, maybe if you just hang out in the local bookstore, said guy will go to pick up the same copy of “Unicorns are Jerks” and you will fall madly in love. Therefore, all I have to do is get a high power job, a corner office, and get laid off, so I can move back to my current hometown within the next month. How hard could that be? On it.
3. Being a single mom, your spirit of Christmas will bring love in the form of a manager who also happens to be the owner’s jaded son of the department store in which you take a holiday job. Simple. Do you think I can borrow a kid for the holidays next year? I’m pretty sure I can get a job at the Radio Shack down the street.
4. Enter a cookie making contest, then spend every waking hour learning how to cook from the attractive new single dad in town, and he’ll fall in love with you. Who doesn’t love cookies? This one is the best. However, if you’re like me, your mom has a contract with you that you’ll stay out of her kitchen. Hmm… I think I can just buy some cookies from Giant and put them on a plate. Problem solved. Bring on the attractive single cooking gentleman.
5. Find a ridiculously hot Fireman who will ditch his super model girlfriend, ask you to move in with him (because your apartment won’t let you keep your cat), and then he will fall madly in love with you. Great. All I need is a cat, a hot fireman, and an apartment that will kick me out.
6. Be Candace Cameron Bure. If you were anything like me as a child, you thought, “If I could just be like DJ Tanner, my life would be perfect.” Well, Hallmark agrees. In fact, she’s found love at least four times this holiday season. So, find your Kimmy Gibbler and become Candace Cameron (just stay away from her brother… he’s nuts)!

There you go. If we just follow these steps I think we’ll be on the road to crushing our new relationships. Sure, the common thread in these little films is that the only way every female protagonist can be happy at the end is if she ends up with a man. While on some level it makes me sad that the Hallmark Channel is perpetuating this theme, even with seemingly strong women characters at the helm, I did watch every single one!

So, here’s to meeting my Santa boyfriend this upcoming year.