I am a good girl. It pains me to say this, because truly, I want to be a bad ass. Seriously, I even got a book on how to be a bad ass, because, well…I’m a self help junkie! Unfortunately, each and every attempt at such bad-assery has left, well, flat on my tuckus.

So, I remain a good girl. Good girls don’t drink (much), don’t smoke and don’t partake in illegal substances. Good girls go along for the greater good. They make peace, they don’t argue or rock the boat. This is a nice way of saying that we’re often doormats (sorry…truth hurts sometimes!)

Here’s the big secret…

Good girls often have their own drug. It’s called food. Since this is my addiction of choice, I know a lot about it…unfortunately. I know that if certain foods were illegal, I would steal from family to eat whatever food PMS dictates that I must have at that very moment. I have a hard time when well-intentioned friends are waving forkfuls of cheesecake under my nose, telling me to have just one bite, just this one time. Here’s the kicker, though…food is just as dangerous as the illegal stuff, and harder to get away from. Here’s what food and being overweight has taken from me:

~ the ability to run around on the playground with my son when he was little
~ any shred of confidence I may have had to make true connections with people
~ countless thousands of dollars spent on the latest diet plan, many of these plans tried every year without success
~ countless thousands of dollars spent on fast food ($15ish/day)
~ the lack of energy to pay attention to the small stuff, much less the big stuff
~ trust in myself (how can I trust myself with anything meaningful when I can’t stick to a diet)
~ the ability to believe that I could be truly loved
~ the ability to believe that I could love myself

It took a family member with a drug addiction to understand my addiction. I was speaking with a counselor (okay, really, I was bitching about how could the aforementioned family member do this to their family, especially me!) and he said “That feeling that you get when you want a cookie? The serotonin that is released by that cookie that calms you down? Well, the serotonin released by drugs is 100 times stronger than that.” WTF? Really? My eyes were opened, immediately. I decided then and there that I would look at other people’s “issues” with a new level of compassion. I also decided to take a new look at my own “issues” with food and eating. I started reading Geneen Roth, I started reading books from Overeaters Anonymous. I really started digging deep into myself and started weaning myself off of processed foods and allowing myself the gift of foods that would nourish instead of punish me. I incorporated prayer and meditation. I allowed myself the gift of slow change, instead of the crazy “lose 10 pounds in 10 days” diet plans that are all over the place. I allowed myself to discover what my eating ideally looks like (no sugar, little processed foods, lots of fruits & veggies).

Just like drug or alcohol addiction, the fact that I lost the weight doesn’t mean that, voila…I’m cured. I still have twinges when I smell and see certain foods. I still go through periods of stress eating to ease the pains of life. Can you relate?

If yes, be kind to yourself and others, learn set boundaries with love, feel your feelings and don’t be afraid to sit with them. Or sit with them in spite of and with the fear. Look through self judgment and know the beauty, strength and love you bring to your world. Be good with how who and how you are…even if you’re not a bad ass.