Dear KOM, why can’t I change?

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This week, I chose a Dear KOM email that speaks about something very present in my life right now. Our writer wanted only initials shared. Thank you, J.W., for sharing a piece of you with us.


Dear KOM,

I’ve been reading your site, and many others similar to it, for years, and keep waiting for the change to kick in. I find myself continuously repeating patterns, be it eating poorly or slacking at work. I’ve read 7 Habits and lots of other self-help things, but nothing ever seems to work for me. Why can’t I ever seem to change?



Dear J.W.,

Wow, J.W., you’re kinda in the EXACT same place that I was in, not too long ago. You know the place – the one where you know all of the right things to do, but you never seem to do them? Then, you get really mad and judgmental at yourself for not doing what you know you should be doing? Yeah. I totally feel you!

Let me make 1 quick disclaimer: I fully, wholeheartedly, 100% believe in the capacity of any human to change, as long as he or she truly wants to change. I even believe in my own capacity to change, and I’ve seen myself do it. What I’ve learned recently; however, was a game changer.

I learned that change doesn’t come from reading the right book, finding the right diet, or even from reading the right blog (although clearly reading KOM daily is still pretty awesome!). I learned that change actually becomes integrated into our lives when we first start by accepting what is. I know, it sounds pretty new-age/woo woo, and maybe it kinda is, but humor me here.

Like most women, I’ve gained and lost more pounds than I care to count in my life. I’ve lost weight because I’ve felt out of control, I’ve lost weight because I’ve been insanely in control, etc. What I’ve NEVER done, is loved my body, no matter what it looks like. I’ve never fed it things that make it feel good, or moved it because that refreshes it. Anytime I’ve dieted or exercised, it’s come from a negative place. This also applies to anytime I’ve changed jobs, to the 5 year period when I moved every year, etc., etc., etc.

Recently, something hit me like a ton of bricks, and simultaneously felt like it lifted a huge load from my shoulders. What if I loved myself through this process? Whatever “this process” is, what if I just loved myself. It was a pretty big shift, and it didn’t “stick” right away, but through lots of coaching and quiet time and writing, it sank in. AND IT FEELS GREAT!!!

So my wish for you, J.W., is to find one small thing that you love right now. Whatever it is – your eyes, your shoe collection, your work ethic – anything – and start there. Start loving that right now. In this moment. As is. Realize you created that. Really let the gravity of that sink in, and then start expanding that feeling. See if you can come up with more things. Start feeling the little shifts in your body and mind, and see where they take you. It probably won’t happen over night (and if it does, I’m totally envious!), but my bet is that it will happen.

Love yourself through this process.

Thanks for being on this journey with me.

?, Lara

Dear KOM is an opportunity for all of you to write to me with any questions, comments, curiosities, stories, etc. ANYTHING you want to share! Every Saturday, I will choose 1 Dear KOM email and respond to or share it here!

~See an awesome news story or quote that you know KOM readers would enjoy? Bring it on!
~Have a question for me, about me or about Kind Over Matter? Hit me!
~Want a little free (and yes, we can ABSOLUTELY make any part of this anonymous) advice about something from a total stranger? I’m ready.

Consider this a wide open door. Bring on the questions, stories of love, sharing, and advice seeking. Bring it here.

Simply email and put Dear KOM in the subject line. That’s it! I will respond to the email that will be featured that coming Saturday so that we can work out any little details. Don’t worry if your email doesn’t get a response in the same week – I have a hunch that I’ll feature it in the future, and will contact you when it’s your week!

Share your stories, questions and general awesomeness. I promise, it will benefit everyone.


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