In Love We Give What We Don’t Have

There is something about love…very often we have no clue how to show it. Loving and understanding the person you desire are two very different things. People often realize that even though they believe they have given it all to their partner, it hasn’t been nearly enough. But why? Are all those people ungrateful?

Not exactly!

It might seem so on the surface, but my experience as a psychoanalyst shows that there is something much deeper. Very few people think about this common issue.

I talk about desire and the importance of knowing yourself well enough before you try to satisfy another person. At some point you will try to guess what the other wants. If you don’t really understand what it is that you actually want, this process will be confusing.

First, we are not that good at putting ourselves in other people’s shoes. We have the illusion that our desires are universal, and this definitely doesn’t help. If you are starving, you should admit that food seems like a priority and giving food to your partner feels like the greatest way to show your love. This is especially true about the emotional support and care that we give to all the people we love. If we feel unhappy, we try to cheer them up; if we find it difficult to advance in our carrier, we tend to do our best to support theirs; if we need compassion or freedom, we give them to the others.

We follow the rule of treating others the way we wish to be treated. This is a good advice, but we often have no clue that it can also go wrong in certain circumstances.

If two people have made the decision to be together, we cannot assume that being in a relationship, loving and supporting the other means the same to both. In fact, people never fully fit. The most frustrating thing of all is that love itself is never enough for a relationship to thrive.

This is precisely the reason why I don’t give advice on how to have a wonderful relationship. The variables are so many that the success of your┬árelationship in particular depends only on the way you make your desires compatible. if it is easy for both of you to give what the other one needs, the mystery will be solved. There is only one trick – take a good look at the other person and read between the lines. Whatever he/she gives you with so much love is precisely what you should give in return. There is no need for great gestures or unsolicited help. Don’t suffocate your loved ones with too much care. The clue is to give the right care.

Of course, this trick won’t make every relationship perfect. There may be turbulence down the road. Some of you will even realize that you want totally different things and you are incapable of fulfilling the other’s desires. At least you will know what has felt wrong during your whole relationship. So, in a way, this strategy always wins.

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