Holi – Daze

We’ve sold ourselves a lie with a false premise

Forced expectations of happiness and holiday cheer

It vents off us like breath from our lips when we venture outside during the cold

We don’t even know we’ve agreed to it until it shows up on our doorstep like a steady stream of Amazon boxes

We crave the feeling of contentment induced by hot cocoa and a roaring fire

Instead we are sitting in traffic angry, desperate and overbooked

We view our days in wintertime with soft flickering lights

But our vision has cataracts and our glasses smeared with Vaseline

We lack “home for the holiday” feelings if our family and homes are not welcoming

We further lie to ourselves that people shouldn’t die or be hungry or unhappy during this time

So stifling is this box we wrap ourselves in we forgot to leave air holes

We push ourselves to do more and be more and expect more and end up feeling so achingly inadequate

We crave the slowdown of the snow-covered streets and the hush and quiet…the neighbors who come out to shovel each other’s driveways and say hello

We crave the silence or the low drum of the snow falling off the branches, the crunch underneath our feet, the cold bitter and sharp in our nostrils

We end up exasperated by our expectations

We live in the vast disappointing space

We forget that tinsel sticks to everything

Eggnog is disgusting even with alcohol involved

The lights are pretty, the glow attractive, decorations are pretty

We are not damaged if we don’t put them up

Perhaps we can just enjoy the neighbors’ lights

I start to feel like a moth but just out of season

I try to change my script on loop

Otherwise I know I will end up like the scene from “The Jerk” where I shuffle around in my PJs, with my pants around my ankles in a drunken haze, picking up random items, attaching importance to them and moving forward without purpose

“I just need this remote control. That’s all I need.”

I am cleaning my glasses; pausing, reflecting and trying to do less but know that I am not lessened

Not forcing happiness but maybe enjoying a warm cup of hot cocoa

That is my present to myself with a big red bow

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Felicia is driven by curiosity. She takes things apart and puts them back together: dryers, door handles and ideas. She values directness as well as kindness. In life or salsa class she will be moving in the opposite direction of the crowd (sometimes not on purpose). Her family is nice enough to leave all the drawers open for her to push in so she feels useful. She lives outside of Boston on the North Shore with a large man with a heart of gold, a tween who sings like an angel but can’t remember to wear her own coat home from school and a greyhound named Arnie who enjoys crispy bread. You can follow Felicia on her website, LinkedIn and Facebook.

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