Laughter Lover : Granny Panties

Guest post by Logan Fisher.


scene from Bridget Jones’s Diary

So I hurt my back two days after school was out. It was pretty bad as far as back problems go and reluctantly I dragged my carcass to a chiropractor. Much to my surprise and delight, let’s just say that the moment I entered the office, I almost felt lucky to have back pain. No, it wasn’t the free lollipops on the counter or the fresh muzak pumping from the speakers. It wasn’t the air conditioning or the cheery receptionists behind the counter. Nope, what made my first and subsequent appointments worthwhile was that Dr. Talldarkandhandsome would be working on me. (Hey, I know. I am married. But ladies…is there ANYONE of us who is dead?? We notice. I mean…come on. WE notice. Yes…I am talking to YOU!) Anyhoo…I thought to myself…”If I am going to have to endure this back pain..I might as well have a dreamy chiropractor to swoon over”

Today, (and if utter humiliation makes you squeamish….run. Run NOW!) I had a late appointment. Earlier I went to lunch with friends to a nice establishment. I dressed for the occasion. I put on my crisp cotton white skirt with blue flowers. The shirt that I typically wear with it is a plain blue silk top with capped sleeves. But it was a hot day, and silk and heat don’t mix. At least not with me. On hot days, when I wear that top it always ends up getting sweat stains on the back or right along the bra line. I am always painfully embarrassed when that happens and so I often wear my flesh colored granny girdle panties to soak up the sweat and keep it off my silk shirt. Mudders, you know the ones I am talking about, the ones where the waist band settles right underneath your bust line. The high-waisted spandex Spanx that gives your bum a lift and successfully tucks in all that stretched out gut-fat mommies get after having three or more children. Yes….THOSE flesh colored granny girdle panties! I know what you are thinking. “Why doesn’t she use powder or wear a tank to prevent sweat for soaking through her shirt?” And I tried those things–Really! I did. But due to a certain medication I take for my heart, I tend to get REALLY sweaty especially on humid days. And so, in order to wear that smart looking blue silk shirt, I had to resort to wearing the flesh colored granny girdle panties which tends to be a tad bit thicker and more absorbent than a tank and MUCH more effective than powder. And…All right. All right….those flesh colored granny girdle panties give me a freshly liposuctioned look as well…I’ll admit it. I just might wear them for THAT reason as well!

So, I’ve seen Dr. Talldarkandhandome several times. Each time his routine has been the same. Lay on my stomach-adjust. Lay on my sides-adjust. Lay on my back-adjust. Finally, I sit in a and chair receive electrode therapy on my tight shoulder muscles. Very simple. Very predictable. No need to disrobe like other doctors’ offices. Harmless. Therefore right before my appointment this afternoon, when I had a fleeting thought that I should remove the flesh colored granny girdle panties that went up to my ample bust line laying flat underneath my bra, I reassured myself that the routine would continue…no disrobing or even a mere pulling up of a shirt had taken place and therefore…I. Was. Safe.

And by now, I am sure you can imagine friends that I wasn’t safe. I wasn’t safe at all. Not today. Not ever again. Nope. Today, after I sauntered in with my crisp cotton white skirt and my blue silk shirt. Today, after I smiled at Dr. Talldarkandhandsome while casually pulling my Jackie O sunglasses up to pull my tousled hair back. Today after, laying down on my stomach gracefully feeling oh-so-full-of-myself…Dr. Talldarkandhandsome, before I even knew what was happening, began to lift the bottom of my shirt up saying, “I’d like to do the electrode therapy on the base of your back.” I immediately panicked…I couldn’t let him see my flesh colored granny girdle panti—too late. “What the heck is going on here?” Dr. Talldarkandhandsome exclaimed. His hands fumbled around my back…trying to find an end to the “tank” that I must have had tucked into my crisp cotton white and blue flowered skirt. “It’s not a tank.” I said weakly. “I’ll help you.” Then I reached up and pulled at the waist that was lodged under my bra. He pulled on it a bit and rolled the substantial amount of flesh colored spandex down..pulling and jarring so that he could place the electrode at the base of my back. A warm surge of embarrassment washed over my entire body-head to toe. “Oh. I see.” was all that Dr. Talldarkandhandsome could utter, and then he quietly closed the door.

Dear readers, I could have crawled inside a hole inside a hole inside a hole and THAT wouldn’t have been far enough. I was purple. I was mortified. I was absolutely abashed. Doing mental headslap after headslap after mental headslap. I don’t let my husband see me in those flesh colored granny girdle panties…and yet…and yet…this beguiling Dr. Talldarkandhandsome had now seen my flesh colored secret and I-could-have-died-wished-I-died-hoped-I-die right there in his office before he returned.

On the drive home, I called one of my besties to describe in detail the disgraceful tale. True to her nature (after all she has heard MANY “Logan Stories,”) she laughed and soothed in a way that only a thirty year friend can. How to redeem myself I pondered with her. Was there any possible way? And dear readers we found a solution. Tomorrow I am taking myself to our local Victoria’s Secret to buy myself a red thong…one that can peak out over my jeans or shorts or whatever I wear to the next appointment. Yes…a red thong…I wonder how that will look with my mommy-gut?

Writing about parenting is a passion of mine. Over the past two years, I have built a solid following on my blog, A Muddled Mother. It’s a safe place where women can talk of both the hardship and hilarity that comes with being a mom. It has recently been nominated for Best All-Around Blog for Parents.com. I am also a columnist writing about raising teenage boys at the award winning website, HilltownFamilies.org. In addition, I have been published in several children’s and parenting magazines including Today’s Motherhood, Faces Magazine, Appleseed and Eye on Education and parts of the blog and my quotes have been used in Parenting Magazine. Currently I am writing a book on motherhood called ‘Hindsight Insight.’ It tells the story of my second chance at motherhood nearly two decades after the first try, and my determination to get it right this time. Please visit me at muddledmother.com.
Do you have a laugh out loud kinda story or memory, something that happened to you or someone in your life that would translate well if it was written in story form? I’d really love to host more stories like this, laughter truly is the best medicine. Please email me at : kindovermatterblog(at)gmail(dot)com : if you do, I’d love to share it! Thank you!!

 

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