Spinning My Story : Why I Do What I Do

I’ve been writing this blog post in my heart for months. My heart & I, we’ve went back & forth about it, wondering if it was the right thing to do. Not knowing if these words were meant to be spoken in a public forum just yet, not knowing how my extended family would react if they happened upon this post. Knowing still, that I am not alone in this. Not by far. This story has graced so many families in one way or another & the number of these families just keeps getting larger.

Long time readers of Kind Over Matter have seen the slow transformation here. While still focused heavily on being mindful of Kindness, it’s not just about leaving Kind Cards in random places anymore, it’s not your typical DIY handmade craft blog. It’s a project to spread love in all forms. It gives you gentle business advice, it opens your heart, it makes you smile, nudges you to dig deep. It’s a community that I am super proud of. It has always been a place that shares feel good & heart-tugging projects, awesome entrepreneurs rocking lives, your truths — it was never about my family & I, but just recently I started sharing bits of myself here. The truth is, that’s sort of dropped off… because I was struggling with my own truth.

The number one reason why I hesitated to write this here, when I was in the thick of it, is because I didn’t or couldn’t ask my son for his blessing, for it to be alright to share his story with you. He is made of his father & I, so I know, in my heart of hearts, that he would want me to, if it meant that it could somehow help one person, even & especially if that person was me. I’ve done a lot of heart work to get to this place. I feel good about sharing this now.

I don’t have all the answers, not even close. All I know is that my family & I are on this journey of… unlocking my son’s mind. Typing that line & my bottom lip begins to tremble & the words on the screen become blurry through tears. My mama heart has been through a tremendous amount since we “figured this out” last fall. It was the closest thing to grieving that I have ever experienced.

I’m pretty certain most of you have experienced something similar. Your whole world is NO for days, NO clouds everything. It was falling from the sky, hitting windshields like pinheads, covering my thoughts, it was a muddy mess of NO, of hopelessness.

A few days after we had the first consult with our amazing team of teachers & therapists I went grocery shopping. It was the first time I had been out alone since. I got two miles from home & completely lost it. Alone with my grief, banging the steering wheel, crying, screaming Whyyyy… & Nooooo… the sounds coming out of me were primal, they were raw & real, sobbing like I never have, it was me working through the NO. Me not wanting it to be what it was. It was me grieving the questions, the What Ifs, the Whys, the Hows & Whens. I pulled over, worked through it a bit & then went on with my day– because I had to, for me, for my boys, Kurt, my family, my friends, you.

This happens sometimes still, certainly not to that degree but it will creep up on me… sometimes when I am alone, not busy, making dinner, showering, when we are making tough decisions about my son’s future or while questioning those decisions. It happens. It’s human. If it didn’t happen I’d be a little worried. I feel vulnerable writing this because thank all that is holy… I didn’t lose a child. I felt guilty for feeling this way because so many parents have– & owning that grief, with that in mind, was also really hard for me.

What keeps me from falling back into the grief, into the NO, for longer than I need to, ultimately… is Zenin.


He is one big ball of YES. He embodies YES like no one I’ve ever seen. Just imagine the word YES on a 3 & 1/2 year old body running & jumping through the day with the purest zeal. Smart, giddy, opinionated, knows all his shapes, numbers, letters, colors, throws tantrums, is a whiz on our iPad, cuddles, hugs, kisses, gets sad, has a photographic memory, gets scared, excited, spins, spells words, laughs. He loves strawberries & pancakes & Blues Clues. He struggles with communicating his needs, him & I have never had a conversation full of wonder & innocence but there’s this bond of knowing between us. That mama-child tie, intuitive, loving & sure– deep in the heart felt — for that I am grateful beyond words. He is so, so bright & brave, the bravest human being I’ve ever loved deeply — an absolute light in my life & everyone that he comes into contact with.

He also has Autism.

But I want to make it clear that that’s not who he is.

He has Autism like I am near-sighted, like she’s clumsy, like he is depressed.

He also is the driving force behind Kind Over Matter.

I do what I do because of him. I know that someday he’s going to be made fun of, looked at as different, shunned in some way because of this, it’s inevitable- kids can be ruthless. It can happen no matter if you “have” something or not.

I share your stories here because kindness, acceptance & compassion need to be a fierce dynamic in more people’s lives. I share your stories because there is a concept that sticks to my rib cage, that I try to live every day & have been for years, a mantra:

I don’t know what you’re going through.” — click it.

I live that here online too. I know that judgment & comparison is prevalent in the blogosphere, I’m guilty of it sometimes, but when it rears its ugly head I just whisper that.

I don’t know what you’re going through.
I don’t know what you’re going through.
I don’t know what you’re going through.

Zenin will know he’s awesome, that’s my job as a parent. My dream is help more people realize that they too, are awesome. No matter your circumstances, you can shine. We can help all of our children shine.

You can dream so big that the sky opens up for you– & that NO, that resistance, can ease if you let it. If you work through it slowly, your heart will heal.

Mine is on the mend, I’ve been hemming it with light, love & bliss. I do what I do because you can too. I do what I do because it heals me. I do what I do because I love my life & have accepted the hand I’ve been dealt.

He is teaching me about love, kindness & compassion in a way that no guru ever could. He is so perfect just the way he is.

This journey is going to be long & difficult for us, especially for him.

But with our hearts in the right place, full of love & faith, we’re gonna be okay- I know this now. I live & breathe this.

Thank you for being here, you all do more for me than you will ever know. I love you– & so does he.

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